Current mood:
confused*WARNING* War of the Worlds spoilers included
I now know the secret to invading earth, boring us to death. A few friends and I went to see War of the Worlds and then have dinner. I, although not a Tom Cruise fan (in the slightest), was actually looking forward to seeing it. I *may* have been the one to push for it.
Sorry guys.
I got ready for the big kidless night out with great friends... which is very, very rare... like once every couple of months...... or so.......... I even *showered and shaved*. I put forth EFFORT. I rushed the three girls off to the babysitter's. I stopped at Little Caesar's to get a $5 pizza for them because I didn't even have time to feed the babies, for *I* was headed to the movies. Unfortunately, the $5 pizza line was far to long and time was not a luxury for me. I then blast through Wendy's and quickly order, taking time only to roll my eyes as the girls each changed every single option on their kids' meals. Did I check to see if it was right? Not this time! Was it right when I sat the girls down at the babysitter's to eat? Nope. Did I feel bad? NOPE! I, you see, was in a hurry to watch evil aliens take over the WORLD!
I rush to the theater with five minutes to spare, only to see a line for tickets coming out of the door. We all walk up looking for the end of the line. It's on the sidewalk... no, it's on the drop-off lane in the road... no, it's... HOLY CRAP!!! It's half way down the parking lot!!! That's a legit 45 minute wait minimum if the ticket clerks have their game hats on. Fortunately, my friends got all the tickets when they arrived... far earlier than I did. There's nothing like going from deep depression because you know you are screwed to exhilaration because you've been saved.
We sprint past the food counter (Lord, I'm starved) and give our tickets to the ticket tearer (I know, they have a formal title... but that *is* what they do). We run inside and take one of the 16 seats in what is the equivalent of a single-wide trailer of movie theatres. We sit down and are soon treated to 54 minutes of previews. I wish I'd known that was the best part. I would have gotten up and got my tubby tummy some chips and cheese or something. Alas, I thought the best was yet to come.
Right out of the gate, I get a bit anxious of the quality of the movie. Tom plays a self-involved character who only cares about others once his needs are met; however, he just smiles waaay too much for someone of that nature. His son needs a couple smacks to the sac so that he can find out that his balls haven't dropped nearly as far as he thinks they have. I love the little girl who plays his daughter, but GEEZ... can you say TYPECAST?? She plays the exact same character in every single movie. She's far too mature and intelligent for her age... she has several neuroses... she always the most observant member of the group... every now and again, you'll get a glimpse into her as a child and not a miniature adult. This poor, poor character has seen far too many tragedies. I would have figured the death of Denzel Washington would have pushed her to the limit, but no. Turns out, not even watching earth's destruction phased her TOO badly.
Then the mess-up extravaganza began. I'll name only a few because I'd just hate to spoil the entire movie for you:
* All electronic equipment gets fried. EXCEPT for this one disposable camera and this other video camera. Oh and a tv news camera which films the electrical storm.
* This one guy keeps working on a car while the first American attacks take place. His city is literally falling apart and he just keeps working on that engine. Or so we are led to believe... some customer brings in his van literally moments after the first electrical storm. The mechanic asks Tom for advice as Tom heads out to see why nothing electronic works. Luckily for the mechanic... and Tom later... Tom not only immediately knows the problem without even looking at the van, but he's also right... AND the mechanic is up on his game enough to work on that while the rest of the entire community walks to the Town Square to watch the destruction of their roads and buildings, followed by a very large machine which destroys most of the town's population. Tom goes home makes his son grab some food, washes off the people dust from himself, and off the three go to steal the van. Now the mechanic not only doesn't want Tom to steal the van, but refuses to jump in as Tom begs him that they all only have 60 seconds to live. Honestly, if that were true, would you have really taken the time to wash off the people dust? You are just going to get dusty again... if not become dust yourself. Well Stupid Mechanic Man refuses to get in and Tom speeds away... but not before we all watch in Tom's rearview mirror the mechanic turn to dust. Stupid mechanic.
* The three get to Tom's ex-wife's house, who isn't there... which Tom already knew but acted shocked anyway. I mean really, even *I* heard her tell him they were going to her mom's house in Boston. He made a joke about it when she told him. In any case, they get inside and Tom throws a big fit about the choices of food (all condiments) his son packed. His son wittily says, "It's all the food you HAD." Oh that Tom! He didn't even buy food for his kids when they came to visit!! If that point hadn't been driven through your skull when the ex-wife checked the fridge and cabinets, it has been by now! So, instead of raiding the obviously well-furnished kitchen for food, Tom sees some bread and makes peanut butter sandwiches for his daughter (who reminds him she's allergic to peanuts. Since when? Since BIRTH. TOM'S A BAD DAD!!! WE GET THE PICTURE!!!) So, Tom's dumb for coming to the house in the first place and seriously unbelievably dumb for not opening the stupid fridge or cabinets for something better than peanut butter and bread... it's the little things we regular people notice, Hollywood. I know only us CRA-ZA-ZEES open cabinets and fridges looking for food when we are starving.
Other disappointments:
* We are given every reason to believe the son dies horribly. But he doesn't. (I didn't want the boy do die but COME ON!!! Don't show him legit dying and then have him save your life five minutes before the movie ends)
* Tim Robins dies the legit most boring death in movie history. I'm assuming that's why the daughter is so apathetic to it.
* Apparently, Tom's salary was so high that budget cuts had to be made in the alien costume department. They couldn't even afford TWO LEGS per creature... there were only about four creatures together at once ever... and that itself only happened once.
* If you are locked inside an oval cage with several other people and the cage falls hundreds of feet, you will be OKAY. Not even a scratch, baby.
* The military doesn't like old Hispanic men. A soldier let one die, but nearly gave his life to save Tom from being eaten by ... the machine... I have no idea why the machine was hungry, but it was. Good thing the soldier lived, because he was the only one in the whole cage who knew to shout, "Everybody down!!!" when Tom showed him the grenade clips in his hand (yes, Tom had the sense of mind AND resources to dump and activate two grenades while trying not to be eaten). I don't know which is worse: Racist Soldier = only knowledgable person about grenades OR Tom = super multi-tasker.
* 10 million years of planning this invasion and the aliens never, ever checked to see if they could actually SURVIVE on our planet. HOW do you miss that one? HONESTLY, you think that item would have been on the checklist.... somewhere.
There's more, but I'll stop there. It was long. It was boring. It hurt my head. I braided almost the entire left side of my head in small braids I was so bored.
I had to be resuscitated SEVEN times.
I kept wanting to ask Tom what the hell was going on. Why was it this way or that way? Did he even READ the script first? Was the payday THAT ginormous?
I already know what he would say.
"You will find all your answers in Scientology, my friend."
I now know the secret to invading earth, boring us to death. A few friends and I went to see War of the Worlds and then have dinner. I, although not a Tom Cruise fan (in the slightest), was actually looking forward to seeing it. I *may* have been the one to push for it.
Sorry guys.
I got ready for the big kidless night out with great friends... which is very, very rare... like once every couple of months...... or so.......... I even *showered and shaved*. I put forth EFFORT. I rushed the three girls off to the babysitter's. I stopped at Little Caesar's to get a $5 pizza for them because I didn't even have time to feed the babies, for *I* was headed to the movies. Unfortunately, the $5 pizza line was far to long and time was not a luxury for me. I then blast through Wendy's and quickly order, taking time only to roll my eyes as the girls each changed every single option on their kids' meals. Did I check to see if it was right? Not this time! Was it right when I sat the girls down at the babysitter's to eat? Nope. Did I feel bad? NOPE! I, you see, was in a hurry to watch evil aliens take over the WORLD!
I rush to the theater with five minutes to spare, only to see a line for tickets coming out of the door. We all walk up looking for the end of the line. It's on the sidewalk... no, it's on the drop-off lane in the road... no, it's... HOLY CRAP!!! It's half way down the parking lot!!! That's a legit 45 minute wait minimum if the ticket clerks have their game hats on. Fortunately, my friends got all the tickets when they arrived... far earlier than I did. There's nothing like going from deep depression because you know you are screwed to exhilaration because you've been saved.
We sprint past the food counter (Lord, I'm starved) and give our tickets to the ticket tearer (I know, they have a formal title... but that *is* what they do). We run inside and take one of the 16 seats in what is the equivalent of a single-wide trailer of movie theatres. We sit down and are soon treated to 54 minutes of previews. I wish I'd known that was the best part. I would have gotten up and got my tubby tummy some chips and cheese or something. Alas, I thought the best was yet to come.
Right out of the gate, I get a bit anxious of the quality of the movie. Tom plays a self-involved character who only cares about others once his needs are met; however, he just smiles waaay too much for someone of that nature. His son needs a couple smacks to the sac so that he can find out that his balls haven't dropped nearly as far as he thinks they have. I love the little girl who plays his daughter, but GEEZ... can you say TYPECAST?? She plays the exact same character in every single movie. She's far too mature and intelligent for her age... she has several neuroses... she always the most observant member of the group... every now and again, you'll get a glimpse into her as a child and not a miniature adult. This poor, poor character has seen far too many tragedies. I would have figured the death of Denzel Washington would have pushed her to the limit, but no. Turns out, not even watching earth's destruction phased her TOO badly.
Then the mess-up extravaganza began. I'll name only a few because I'd just hate to spoil the entire movie for you:
* All electronic equipment gets fried. EXCEPT for this one disposable camera and this other video camera. Oh and a tv news camera which films the electrical storm.
* This one guy keeps working on a car while the first American attacks take place. His city is literally falling apart and he just keeps working on that engine. Or so we are led to believe... some customer brings in his van literally moments after the first electrical storm. The mechanic asks Tom for advice as Tom heads out to see why nothing electronic works. Luckily for the mechanic... and Tom later... Tom not only immediately knows the problem without even looking at the van, but he's also right... AND the mechanic is up on his game enough to work on that while the rest of the entire community walks to the Town Square to watch the destruction of their roads and buildings, followed by a very large machine which destroys most of the town's population. Tom goes home makes his son grab some food, washes off the people dust from himself, and off the three go to steal the van. Now the mechanic not only doesn't want Tom to steal the van, but refuses to jump in as Tom begs him that they all only have 60 seconds to live. Honestly, if that were true, would you have really taken the time to wash off the people dust? You are just going to get dusty again... if not become dust yourself. Well Stupid Mechanic Man refuses to get in and Tom speeds away... but not before we all watch in Tom's rearview mirror the mechanic turn to dust. Stupid mechanic.
* The three get to Tom's ex-wife's house, who isn't there... which Tom already knew but acted shocked anyway. I mean really, even *I* heard her tell him they were going to her mom's house in Boston. He made a joke about it when she told him. In any case, they get inside and Tom throws a big fit about the choices of food (all condiments) his son packed. His son wittily says, "It's all the food you HAD." Oh that Tom! He didn't even buy food for his kids when they came to visit!! If that point hadn't been driven through your skull when the ex-wife checked the fridge and cabinets, it has been by now! So, instead of raiding the obviously well-furnished kitchen for food, Tom sees some bread and makes peanut butter sandwiches for his daughter (who reminds him she's allergic to peanuts. Since when? Since BIRTH. TOM'S A BAD DAD!!! WE GET THE PICTURE!!!) So, Tom's dumb for coming to the house in the first place and seriously unbelievably dumb for not opening the stupid fridge or cabinets for something better than peanut butter and bread... it's the little things we regular people notice, Hollywood. I know only us CRA-ZA-ZEES open cabinets and fridges looking for food when we are starving.
Other disappointments:
* We are given every reason to believe the son dies horribly. But he doesn't. (I didn't want the boy do die but COME ON!!! Don't show him legit dying and then have him save your life five minutes before the movie ends)
* Tim Robins dies the legit most boring death in movie history. I'm assuming that's why the daughter is so apathetic to it.
* Apparently, Tom's salary was so high that budget cuts had to be made in the alien costume department. They couldn't even afford TWO LEGS per creature... there were only about four creatures together at once ever... and that itself only happened once.
* If you are locked inside an oval cage with several other people and the cage falls hundreds of feet, you will be OKAY. Not even a scratch, baby.
* The military doesn't like old Hispanic men. A soldier let one die, but nearly gave his life to save Tom from being eaten by ... the machine... I have no idea why the machine was hungry, but it was. Good thing the soldier lived, because he was the only one in the whole cage who knew to shout, "Everybody down!!!" when Tom showed him the grenade clips in his hand (yes, Tom had the sense of mind AND resources to dump and activate two grenades while trying not to be eaten). I don't know which is worse: Racist Soldier = only knowledgable person about grenades OR Tom = super multi-tasker.
* 10 million years of planning this invasion and the aliens never, ever checked to see if they could actually SURVIVE on our planet. HOW do you miss that one? HONESTLY, you think that item would have been on the checklist.... somewhere.
There's more, but I'll stop there. It was long. It was boring. It hurt my head. I braided almost the entire left side of my head in small braids I was so bored.
I had to be resuscitated SEVEN times.
I kept wanting to ask Tom what the hell was going on. Why was it this way or that way? Did he even READ the script first? Was the payday THAT ginormous?
I already know what he would say.
"You will find all your answers in Scientology, my friend."
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