190705

ORRRR I will die...

Current mood: scared

So, I finally got my Mother's Day gift the other day. On the *real* Mother's Day, I received a bunch of canning jars and a promise note that I would later receive the canner of my dreams. I've always wanted to can but never had the tools.

Now, baby, I DO!!!!

Unfortunately,

After reading the novel (100 pages) that comes with a 23 quart pressure canner, I have discovered that I will die. I had no idea that I was not only getting the canner of my dreams but also a weapon of mass destruction. Once I seal that lid and turn on the heat... it's GO TIME. People have been canning and pressure cooking for almost two centuries. Why am I just now finding out how death-hungry these things really are? I really think I'd be safer if I were to drunkenly clean the trigger of a fully loaded gun that I'd unsafely pointed to my head as I cleaned.

So now, I'm a little more picky about the recipes I want to can. When I first opened the canner box, I was nearly tripping over myself at 12:30 am to go grab something... ANYTHING... and can it. When I realized that I could not get the lid back on without trying to translate the hieroglyphics on the pot and lid, I decided that I probably should take the 4 extra hours needed to read the instruction manual. Well, after finding out that even *I*, a non-betting woman, would mortgage the house to put down on the sure thing that is my imminent and probably very painful death, now I don't know what to can. I have tried two salsa recipes since I decided I was going to do this and I deem neither death-worthy. I want to do pickles, but the only way to find out if the recipe works is to CAN IT... I'd never know if it were death-worthy. Regular old vegetables seem too plain to die for. Soups are a good idea, and I'm really good at making soups....... but........ honestly, I just don't want to die.

Here are a few (very few) ways I could die, according to my manual (and I'm just scraping the tip of the iceberg here):

1. If you do not peer through some hole in the lid, you will never know it was clogged until you DIE.
Understandable. It *is* a pressure cooker.

2. You must check the pot and lid in its entirety for nicks and scratches. Otherwise, you will never know about these weak spots until the pot explodes and you DIE.
The damn thing cost almost $100, a mere nick or scratch will cause an explosion??? I could have bought TONS of already canned goods for $100 and had enough change to buy and make labels so I could say I did the canning myself!!!

3. Take your pound gauge to your local Cooperative Extension Service Office every three years to verify its accuracy or you will DIE.
My local who... wha? I've never heard of this office! Besides, I can't even remember to change the auto oil every three months... I laugh, HEARTILY, at this three YEARS thing. Maybe, since they are so 'cooperative', they'll come to ME.

4. Never fill the 23 quart pot over 1/2 way full with any soups or you will DIE!!!!
Does anyone besides me have little to no desire to make more than 11.5 quarts of the same type of soup anyway? And if I did anyway, I'd die? I'm perfectly happy with just 11.3 quarts... I'm giving myself a .2 safety gap! That said... WHY EFFING SELL A 23 QUART POT YOU CAN'T MAKE 23 QUARTS IN???

5. Never fill the 23 quart pot over 2/3 full with any other food of any kind because that will result in explosions and you will DIE.
You know, again... it's a 23 quart pot. 15.3 quarts of food is, to ME, a rather excessive amount of food to make all at once. Yeah, yeah, you can bulk foods. But I'm canning for my family, not the food pantry. NONETHELESS, I must point out number 4... which says I can't even do 1/2 way. BUT IF I DO ANYWAY... stop at 2/3... or I will for real die.

6. Never ever EVER cook apples, rice, or frothy ANYTHING in your pressure cooker or it will clog one of the very important lid holes and you will DIE.
So much for every freaking pressure cooking recipe I've fucking found so far. Should you ever get word that I died tragically while making 15.4 quarts of apple, rice, and potato pudding in my pressure cooker... just know that I decided life was too hard to bare. I was informed and I KNEW what I was doing. It's how I wanted to go.

7. Watch the pound gauge to make sure the pressure doesn't get to explosion levels or it WILL explode and you WILL die.
EXCUSE ME??? Per explicit official direction, I'm not coming NEAR the fucking thing once I get it started! YOU check the damn canner! This is not fair... LOSE/LOSE here.

8. Just because the pot lid feels like it is sealed does not mean it is actually sealed. Run your finger around the rim and scan the lid and pot to verify that all of your hieroglyphics are mated to their counterparts or the lid will fly off and sever your head right from your body... and, of course, you will DIE.
No wonder the mortality rate for pioneers was so high.

9. Remember to immediately remove your pressure canner off of the heat source and allow pot to cool exactly 4 hours, 33 minutes, and 57 seconds. Otherwise, the contents will still be hot and steam will still be flowing and you will get burned and you will DIE.
That bitch is staying right where it will be for approximately 2 days before I even bust out my Egyptian hieroglyphics translator book. You know what? Nevermind... archaeologists from 2846 can enjoy my pickled corn should they deem it safe by then to remove the pressure lid. I wash my hands of this.

10. NEVER quick-cool your canner. It will explode and everyone on your block will DIE.
My food is good, but it's not risk-exploding-yourself good. Seriously, I'm really not THAT great in the kitchen. My food is "I haven't eaten a bite in six hours" at best.